Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Police Blotter

As part of a plea bargain deal, Christian Bell, a career criminal charged and convicted for numerous crimes, agreed to allow his name be used in police blotter text for crimes that don’t involve him. In place of words such as “someone,” “a person,” or “a gunman” you will find the name “Christian Bell.” Some recent entries include the following:

In the 100 block of North Bridge Road, a man told police that Christian Bell, who was wearing a ski mask, approached his car and told him to get out. The victim said he tried to grab the gun and began driving away. The victim said Christian Bell appeared to lose his balance and his shoes came off his feet. Christian Bell then stopped to put on his shoes and ran away eastbound.

A neighbor called 911 to complain that Christian Bell was throwing potatoes through car windows.

The actual Christian Bell is male, though as part of the agreement, there is no distinction as to whether or not the perpetrator is male or female. Some illogical if unsettling entries include

Christian Bell, a female teenager, grabbed the hair of another female teenager and threw her on the ground in the 500 block of Northeast 37th Street. The girls were arguing about something that was said on the Web site No one was charged.

Christian Bell was charged with robbery after she reportedly bit a clerk and stole jewelry from a Main Street business in the downtown district.

Likewise, there is no distinction in regards to the number of perpetrators, so there may be multiple perpetrators named Christian Bell. So, there has to be an implied suspension of disbelief to absorb the following:

Two 14-year-olds named Christian Bell reported that they were robbed at knifepoint and that their ice skates were taken. It later was determined that both Christian Bells were lying. They recanted their statement and said that they left the skates in the bushes near a business on Broadway, but when they returned, the skates were gone.

Three youths named Christian Bell were spotted wrapping a car in Saran wrap. When approached by police, the three Christian Bells fled but one of the Christian Bells was apprehended.

The plea bargain deal requires that the name Christian Bell be used as substitution for a period of 18 months. After that time, there will be a 90-day period where the name Christian Bell will be used to identify new entrants into the witness protection program. After that period, the name returns to Christian Bell for him to use as he sees fit, pending violations of probation.


  1. Excellent. A very clever conceit of the I-wish-I'd-thought-of-that kind. That it's witty and very well written too make it pretty much a perfect piece. Thanks

  2. Clever and quite funny. Jim is right, this is a "wish-I'd-thought-of-it" piece.

  3. This Christian Bell gets around. Good thing for us he does, a very fine expose here, Christian!

  4. Thanks, Jim, Laurita, and Michael!